Bellatrix: Hallmark's New Employee
by baby-new-year
Summary: What happens when Bellatrix Lestrange works at Hallmark creating greeting cards?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

Bellatrix would rather be in Azkaban, but no. As part of he punishment from Cornelius Fudge, she had to work peacefully with Muggles. Worst of all, she had to spend her days writing sappy love notes and designing unnaturally cute cartoon puppy dogs.

This Hallmark card company thing was just not for her. Her asignment of the day was to work on birthday cards; she had absolutely no idea what to write or draw. She started to twist her long, dark hair around the pencil she was holding, making it more frizzy than it was moments ago. Suddenly, inspiration hit her.

Pulling her pencil out of her tangled hair, she began to write. When she finished, the card looked totally normal from the outside. It read, "have a very happy birthday," and had a picture of a pink and purple panda bear holding a bunch of yellow balloons. However, when you opened it, it said, "or else I'll crucio you" and had a picture of a smiley face that looked as if it were laughing evily. Satisfied with her work, Bellatrix put the pencil down; it still had several strands of her coarse black hair wrapped tightly around it, but she didn't care. After all, she had just desgined the best birthday card in history.

Later that day, Fudge came in to make sure she didn't tie up her co-workers or anything like that. Resisting the urge to try that new curse Snape taught her ("why didn't teachers at Hogwarts teach us sectumsempra?" she wondered), she showed Fudge her work. Needless to say, he was not mused.


	2. Chapter 2

After a first day that started great and ended with Fudge warning her to stop risking exposing magic to Muggles, Bellatrix was ready for her new assignment; Easter cards for young children. Her boss advised her to make them cute and funny with bright colors and possibly mentions of candy. Though unsure of what to do at first, inspiration soon hit the way it did the previous day.

Bellatrix picked up a blank sheet of paper and drew a picture of an overlarge bunny carrying a basket full of jellybeans. In bright yellow bubble letters, she wrote, "hey, Mr. Bunny! Give me all your candy!" Smiling, Bellatrix turned it over to what would be the inside of the card and continued...

2 hours later...

Bellatrix heard a knock on the door of her office. Without waiting for an answer, her boss came in and said without preamble, "this card you designed was thoroughly inappropriate for little kids."

"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about," Bellatrix replied haughtily.

Her boss sighed, apparently unsure of what to say. Finally, he said softly, "I know a great therapist downtown. I think you should go talk to her about this card you designed." He then read from the card. "Hey, Mr. Bunny! Give me all your candy or else I'll push you off a cliff into a pool of hungry man-eating piranhas."

Bellatrix sighed. "You don't need to be a professional to figure out why I wrote that! When I was little, my parents wouldn't let me eat sugar because they said it made me too crazy! To this day, my sister, my husband, and even my Voldypoo won't let me eat sugar. Why? Because it makes me 'too crazy!' But that's not just sugar; I'm too crazy all the time!"

Her boss was backing out of the office slowly with his hands in the air. "How about you take the rest of the day off?" he asked.

Bellatrix smiled at the back of his retreating form. She left as quickly as possible.

**Authors note**: Thanks for reading everyone! And a hug and special thanks to Echo101 for leaving a review.


	3. Chapter 3

Bellatrix returned to work the next day full of inspiration. She didn't care what today's assignments were; after all, she had the perfect card already planned out.

She sat down at her desk and started to paint a floral frame around a plain white box. She took out a pink pen and wrote her poem in the box, without a worry about what her boss will think. After all, he may know of 'a great therapist,' but that didn't mean he could force her to go and talk. What would she do to get back at him for suggesting such a thing? Bellatrix found that turning people into giant stacks of pancakes and feeding them to dragons was fun, but lacked the imagination that this new job helped her notice that she had. She would have to come up with something later...

Bellatrix looked down and saw that her distraction caused her to mess up in her writing; she had written a 'd' instead of a 'b.' "One thing that's good about Muggles is their imagination in office supplies," she thought to herself, grabbing a small bottle labeled, 'White-out.' She ran the brush over the paper, watching the pink ink disappear. If she had her way, of course, she would have used a charm to fix this mistake, but Fudge had confiscated her wand. Whatever she was going to do to her boss, she would do twice to him...

She recapped the White-out and put it back on her desk, smiling with a new thought; her annoying brother-in-law always claimed to be a natural blond, but he must just pour bottles of this stuff in his hair. Even if that wasn't true, she was going to start that rumor as quickly as humanly possible.

Putting the bottle down, she finished her poem; it now read:

"Roses are red, violets are blue, your feet stink, even worse than cow poo."

"No one will stop me from getting this one published!" she declared to herself as she ran out the door, but unfortunately down the wrong hallway. Instead of the publishing room, she found herself standing in front of an unfamiliar door labeled, 'break room.' Thinking it was a room to break stuff, she turned the handle and walked inside.

A/N: Thanks for reading, and thanks to XxBellatrixLestrange917xX for reviewing and amreed for signing up for story alerts.


	4. Chapter 4

Walking inside slowly, Bellatrix figured out what this 'break room' was. Even though breaking and smashing random items was not the intention of whoever was in it, it seemed to be okay. She noticed a strange black and silver cube-ish thing that had what appeared to be a large measuring cup inside it. Then, she noticed a small red sign written in her bosses handwriting:

**Caution- caffeinated. Do not allow Bellatrix to consume any coffee or sugar.**

So that's what this thing must be! A Muggle coffee-making device. After a moment, her feelings of realization turned into anger. So she was being excluded from consumption of coffee and sugar, was she? She'd dealt with that! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!

She gave herself a little shake; it was never a good sign when she started thinking, talking, or generally acting like Sirius. She had to do something he would never do. So she started to sing and dance around the break room.

"We've got Slytherin pride!*" Suddenly, she got a Slytherin-like idea for getting back at her boss. She ran over to the coffee machine and pulled off the lid; she then ripped open the sugar packets and poured them all into the coffee pot; according to the box, there were 100 packets.

She saw a stack of paper cups next to the coffee pot. She picked one up, but put it down just as fast. "Who needs a cup these days**?" she exclaimed as she picked up the pot of coffee and poured all of its contents into her mouth.

**A/N**: Dun-dun-DUN! Bellatrix having a sugar rush? Yikes! Anyway, now about those asterisks:

*- direct quote from Draco and the Malfoys. I am not Brian Ross or Bradley Melenbacher.

**- inspired by Fred Stays in a Hotel Room. I am not Lucas Cruikshank, though I have a Fred-related poll in my profile.

Now, I've forgotten to add this disclaimer to my previous three chapters, but I'm not- nor was I in chapters 1-3- J.K. Rowling.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N- Thank you to Etain-Cassiopeia-Lestrange, Vernicy Psyche, this1is1entertainment1, Angelic94,

and GrygrFlzr for reviewing/favoriting/signing up for alerts, and thanks to everyone for reading. You all get cookies now! Oh, and I'm not JKR.

Bellatrix swallowed and shuddered. "It's bitter like me!" she said aloud in a raspy, creepy voice. She poured the rest of the sugar in the coffee pot and drank the rest of the contents. Immediately after wards, she started vibrating and jumping on the beige couch in the corner. Unable to stay quiet, she started screaming.

Almost right after she started, she heard footsteps in the hallway; her boss threw open the door. He was watching her with horror while leaning in the doorway, panting and brushing his light brown hair out of his eyes. "Bella," he said sternly, "you are going to talk to someone. Today. I mean it."

"First of all," she retorted, "no one except my Voldypoo calls me Bella. Second of all..." she took a big breath. "No, no NOOOOOOO!" She punctuated her sentence by throwing herself on the ground and banging her fists on the ground.

She then went back to jumping, this time singing, "If a snowman came to life, that would be creepy!" in an unnaturally high voice.* Soon, she was alone, as she had scared everyone within twenty feet of the break room away. The so-called break-room, anyway. Bellatrix had expected hammers and mallets to be lining the walls so she could run around breaking anything and everything in sight.

"Muggles," she said to herself, "are so weird." Shrugging, she resumed her jumping and singing. For the rest of the day, everyone else in the office heard, "I know a song that never, ever ends! Never, ever ends! I know a song that never, ever ends, and this is how it goes!"* the people in that office were all so glad it was a Friday.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N- Thanks to everyone who commented, signed up for alerts, and read.

That weekend, there was an important meeting about Voldemort possibly returning. Bellatrix knew she should go, but she didn't; she had to find more of that amazing thing called 'coffee.'

She walked around London for a while, and discovered a small shop with a green and white sign. On the sign was what must be the name of the shop; Starbucks.

Bellatrix new the name sounded familliar. But where had she heard it before? Then, the memory hit her. On her first mission ever, Voldemort sent her here to get a chocolate bananna smoothie; it was for his snake, of course.

The first thing she was aware of was the smell. Yes, she was right; this was a coffee shop. She went over to the counter at the front and ordered something called an espresso.

3 HOURS LATER...

Bellatrix was jumping around and singing; again. For the next few hours, the only sounds in the Lestrange house was Bellatrix singing about being a 'yummy, yummy, yummy gummy bear' and Rodolphus crying in the closet he locked imself in.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N- This chapter is going to be a little bit different than the others (it's going to be Bellatrix's diary). Thanks to Sabrina (check out her author page here) for the idea that is marked with an asterisk.

DISCLAIMER- I do not own Harry Potter, Pixy Stix, or Pokémon. Those belong to J.K. Rowling, Wonka, and Nintendo (I think...) PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!

Dear Diary,

Today was awesome! Until I got arrested, that is. Here's what happened; Rodolphus locked me in a closet because I was 'too crazy' after drinking coffee (the best thing EVER! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like it more than Voldy.), and, in the pocket of one of his sweatshirts, I found these Muggle candies called Pixy Stix*! Pixy Stix (no, seriously, that's how they're spelled! Weird, right?) are basicly tubes filled with sugar. So, anyway, I ate about seven Pixi Stix, and broke into the Ministry of Magic! Then, I went to this fantabulous place inside of it called the 'Department of Mysteries.' There were all of these sparkly glass balls inside of that place! Yay! So what did I do then? What anyone else would do; I threw the balls around everywhere screaming 'Go, Pikachu, go!' Several security guards found me, and sent me to Azkaban for twenty more years. Wahhhh!

But at least they let me keep my diary...

Love,

Bella

End Note- Yes, that is the last chapter of this story. But don't worry; I'll write another one about Bellatrix soon.


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